Monday, March 09, 2009

This scalp's not big enough for the thirty billion of us

It seems that for now, Tricky is nit free. 

His Aunty N is quite the Headlouse Wrangler and armed with a fine tooth comb and a bottle of tea tree oil conditioner she let loose a flurry of splodging and combing that wreaked havoc and dismay in the follicle settlements.

As she combed she wiped the residue conditioner upon a neatly folded paper towel and showed me the body count. 

I saw adults, nymphettes(which I believe are the 'sullen teen' variety), eggs and assorted scalp debris that was left from Tricky's babyhood. The adults were the real problem (as ever), eggs and nymphettes never done no one no harm but those dirty big adults were whooping it up; leaping from head to head, sucking blood, fornicatin', and spittin' eggs aplenty. 

Just another day in Deadwood really.

The Naughty Nephews also went under the comb and a pleasant and jolly sight it was to have them lined neatly up on their barstools, hair slicked back, eyes bright and fixed on the mini-dvd player where Charlie and Lola were up to usual hijinks. 

Memo to BBC: Charlie and Lola. Possible episode (with book, plush toy and plastic lunchbox tie in) where Lola gets nits from her friend Lotta and passes them onto her big brother. "I have this little sister Lola. She is small and constantly scratches her head. My friend Marv says she's doing a lot of hard thinking but I say she has been possessed by Beelzebub...." etc etc) 

Mini dvd player/C&L combination worked a treat for all of them, ensuring stillness and quietness with little to no whinging that the comb huuuuurts.

But this was Thursday and the lifecycle of the nit rolls merrily on.

On Sunday they were all back up on the stools for further inspection. 

This time, they also underwent a herbal treatment, a sort of natural napalm for headlice, except it was foam not flame and also had a pleasant aniseed-y scent. 

Amongst the Nephews a couple of adult headlice were retrieved, unsurprising since the Nephews had been back at school- that great big headlice melting pot- since Thursday's teatree conditioner massacre. Tricky who did not have daycare on Friday, boasted little more in his coiffure than a couple of eggs and a swaggering nymphette. 

Following this treatment and more pitiless combing, they are all now pronounced CLEAN. 

At least, until the next time a child has head to head contact with another child and a high leapin', gun totin', baccy chewin' louse rides into town. Which will probably be... today.

In our suburb there exists a person whom I like to think of as The Secret Nit Lady. I have never seen her advertised, nor her name spoken aloud but she is whispered about amongst tidy people who don't like to talk about nits. (Which is not me, obviously.) The Secret Nit Lady comes to your house and de-nits your entire family. She carries her own comb. She drives an unmarked car. She charges seventy bucks an hour.

I realise how lucky I am to share a house with my comb wielding sister-in-law when two of my friends try to tell me that they think the Secret Nit Lady is good value for money. That's ridiculous I tell them, it's just headlice. It's not a disease. You just have to accept that you can't truly get rid of them because it's too easy to catch them and buy yourself a heavy duty comb. 

One of my friends made the universal wincing gesture for Can't No Yuck. Would rather pay someone else to do it than eat.

The other shook her head sadly.

It wasn't the nits, she explained. It wasn't the kids squirming when she tried to do their hair. It wasn't even the endless washing. It was trying to get her husband to comb nit treatment through her own hair.
As soon as he runs his fingers through my hair he wants to have sex.  

I'll see if I can get hold of that number I told her promptly.

Even by Deadwood standards, that's just plain wrong.


Maggie May said...

Thanks for the wonderful chuckle you gave me this morning! You have an excellent attitude to nits!

Coming over here to your nit post made a brilliant change from my rat post!

Word verification was .....sulgeous.... that should be a word, shouldn't it. Maybe our blogs are sulgeous!

Miscellaneous-Mum said...

With all our dramas that went on for MONTHS last year, back then I would've paid $70 in a heartbeat!

Bon said...

see, not a lot makes me laugh about nits. but you did.


Mima said...

Just popped in to see how you are getting on & what a wonderful image of them all lined up being de-nitted. I remember from school the nit nurse coming round, and you really didn't want that letter home from school, but we all got them at some point or other. Glad to hear that the treatments smell a bit nicer than they used to!

Betty Flocken said...

I LOVE your post today! I wish my daughter katie had the same reaction as you did. She didn't sleep and I was pretty sure Sabby would loose all her hair. We could have used the NIT lady here in AZ

Anonymous said...

Again... you made me itchy. Very itchy.

MsPrufrock said...

Can't.stop.scratching. How is it I can't even read about these damn things without itching. Blech.

Lisa Later said...

man, i am in the WRONG LINE OF WORK

$70 an hour??!!

Rebecca said...

Hmmmm, wonder if I can find a sufficiently fine comb in Pemba. Just in case. Am feeling a bit itchy now actually...

anna said...

the word nymphettes is so coy and alluring and then you add in a reference to nit-combing sexy time...

really, you've gone too far this time.

Felicity said...

Hi. :) My cousin gave me a tip back in 2001 when my Twins were born; buy one of those spray bottles, add 40 drops of Tea Tree oil, 20 drops of Eucalyptus and 40 drops of Lavender oil. Spray the childrens hair every morning as it is brushed. Our children are now 8, and our little one just turned 3, dispite excessive infestations of nits at our preschool and school, our children have never been affected. Im very glad, too, my Daughter's hair is curly and she can sit on it! That would be a nightmare!
I also heard that its best not to wash childrens hair too often, as the hairs natural oils protect it.

Such a funny post.