Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Star Bright

On our very first New Year’s Eve together, 11 years ago, C and I stayed at a house near the ocean.

It was a little cottage that belonged to the hippie sister of a friend of mine and we house sat for a week while she chanted in an ashram somewhere and strained her own tofu.

The cottage was very sweet and rustic and full of home made crafts and home woven rugs. The kitchen was full of recycled glass jars crammed with home preserved vegetables and dried fruits. It reminded me of Little House In The Big Woods, with all its stored foodstuffs and preserves and Ma diligently making cheese out of the head of a pig and boiling maple syrup into sugar while Laura played with her cornhusk doll and plotted ways to kill or maim her perfect sister Mary.

That New Year’s Eve was meant to be quiet and intimate with just C and I and some nice wine and candlelight and half a tab of acid each. This was a new experience for me and naturally it ended in disaster. Instead of walking hand in hand through the moonlight and gazing in chemically induced wonder at the beauty of Nature, I tipped a candle over one of the chunky home woven rugs and spent the next eight hours obsessively picking wax out of every individual cotton fibre.

We spent this New Year’s Eve alone together too.

Just me. And C. And the twins.

On December 30th, the 7 week scan showed 2 sacs and 2 heartbeats.

I wish I could say I saw them twinkle like shining little stars in the ever expanding universe of my uterus but frankly we’re an older couple and the screen was so far away from the bed it was all C and I could do to squint at the shadowy peanut shapes inside the black blobs.

Even so, I felt my eyes become suspiciously moist.

The technician was excited. Look, she cried, as she twirled the dildocam like she was whipping mayonnaise. There’s bub!

All eye-moisture instantly evaporated. For some reason the word ‘bub’ coupled with her cheery upbeat tone and expectation that Everything Will Be Wonderful set my teeth on edge.

She twirled a little more. And here’s…other bub.

‘Other bub’ was said minus the exclamation mark. Even with our geriatric eyesight C and I couldn’t fail to note the discrepancy in size. Twin B was a week behind in development from Twin A.

I don’t have a copy of the scan but think King Kong and Naomi Watts and you get the idea.

As the technician measured the heartbeats (169 and 90-something) C, the eternal optimist, said: I’m cheering for the underdog!

The technician chuckled approvingly.

Mmmm, I said. And can you tell me, if Twin B fails, will I have a period?

The chuckling stopped.

Well, she said. You may get some spotting. Or it may simply be reabsorbed into the body. But…look, there’s a sac and a heartbeat. Sometimes the smaller one overtakes the other at around 20 weeks. I think we can give bub the benefit of the doubt! Let’s go with dad’s attitude!

So that’s what we’re doing. We’re going with C on this one. Go the underdog. And in the meantime I’ve started eating for a family of six. It is unpleasant to feel constantly hungry. It is even more unpleasant to feel you would like to rip the head off your husband and devour it because he took you to a function where there was NO FOOD and you didn’t eat for four hours. That only happened twice. I never leave the flat now without a handbag packed full of nuts and crackers.

I’m eight weeks pregnant now which is amazing and incredible and gobsmackingly weird. My body is changing before my eyes, (hey! I got cleavage!) I fall asleep at the drop of a hat and I eat and eat and eat. In the meantime we are working on a new show for January which is huge and monstrous and takes up a lot of my brainspace (the part that isn’t checking out my own cleavage).

I’m terrified and I’m elated and I’m cynical and trusting all at once.

I started reading baby books but after seeing the Narnia film I suddenly felt it was far more important to read all the books in the series again. I collect names of good doctors from my previously up the duff friends but I keep putting off booking my obstetrician and hospital. Apparently my subconscious thinks I can deliver on my own couch with my husband to bite the cord(s). There are times when everything seems too much and other times when I feel as if I’ve won the jackpot and this unsettled state is simply confusion because I’m finally getting what I want.

And meanwhile, the clock is ticking. I can pfaff about and read Voyage Of The Dawntreader and google potential doctors and freak out about scripts and shows but inside me, Stuff is Happening and will keep happening week by week.

Something about that makes me happy.

I apologise for the delay in starting up again but half of it was holiday and some of it was wondering how an infertile writes about being pregnant and then hitting the work again and there was tragedy too amongst the joy. I am going to try and write about this process as honestly and fearlessly as I can. And that’s the best I can do.
Apart from making headcheese perhaps.

On that first chemical New Year’s Eve, all I could do was concentrate on picking the wax out, thread by thread, knowing vaguely that one day, one week, one year, Nicole’s rug would finally be free of evil candle residue.

I remember stopping for breath, lifting my head for a moment to stretch my neck and seeing the Milky Way through the loungeroom window. The drugs were still coursing through my system and as I stared I saw that the stars had become huge and pulsating. They were like enormous shining crystals. I could faintly hear their tinkling and I wondered for a moment if I was seeing my mother amongst the angels, hovering in the night, fuzzed over with their own brilliance.

In those days there were no peanut shaped stars, no shining Kong and Naomi constellation.

The faint sounds you can hear come from this new galaxy which has only recently opened within me. A galaxy with two stars, tinkling, one a week behind the other.

That and the cheering of course.


Thalia said...

And I so hope that both those stars keep twinkling, and that the rug will be subject, next new year, to much worse than spilt wax. And that you won't care about getting it clean.

Wavery said...

I'm so moved. Go Underdog!

mMm said...

Wow. Best wishes that both bubs thrive and prosper!

PBfish said...

Double YAY for twins!
I'm crossing my fingers for the little guy...

Anonymous said...

'Kong and Naomi' doesn't rhyme quite as well as 'Barry and Gary,' but they're still excellent names!

Congrats and enjoy the cleavage!

Z said...

YAY! for the two bubs!

Manuela said...

Firstly... I was initially HORRIFIED as I read the first paragraphs of this post. You see... I missed the part where you said that the acid-trip New Years was the FIRST year you were together... and not... in fact... two days ago. My mind was SPINNING as I tried to process the ramifications of you being stoned on acid while pregnant... I darn-near hyperventilated as I was trying to figure out what to do about this... could I stage a blog intervention from several continents away??? I wasn't sure... but I think I might have tried.

Fortunately, common sense prevailed, and I realized that there was no WAY you would have done this, and I went back to re-read the entry. Can I just say... PHEWWW!!!

I will continue to keep the collective faith regarding your two 'bubs'.

Jenn said...

I'm going through the same thing right now. Baby B is measuring five days behind A. Here's hoping both of our catch up.

DD said...

Oooh, a drug-enduced oblivion! What I wouldn't do for just one mary-jane right now. It's been so long, I'm sure all I would need to do is just smell one and get loopy.

I can't believe it's 8 weeks already??! That just makes me smile with the unashamed happiness for all 4 of you.

Suz said...

Congratulations! I always root for the little guy, and this will be no exception!!

heleen said...

Wow, I was a bir worried you were havinng triplets. Twins! Welcome to the club! I can understand that you are a bit worried about nr 2. I hope he catches up!

mig bardsley said...

Fantastic. 8 weeks already.
Oh well done Ova Girl. twins is another thing I don't know about but mightn't it be unreasonable to expect them to match each other all the way through? A week here, a week there maybe?
Lovely to have you back.

Mary Scarlet said...

Oh, OvaGirl, I'm so glad you're back. Twin heartbeats, cool. I'll join the rooting for Twin B. Go Twin B.

Sophia said...

so happy to hear from you. We are praying for both little stars

Gabrielle said...

Cheering wildly down here for you too Twin B!

Calliope said...

Welcome back, OG. Missed you!
Congrats on the twins & the cleavage.
Here's to hoping that B starts to show her scrappy side. & that A yields her a bit of wiggle room.
Get along now, kids!

Pamplemousse said...

Come on, you little twinkling underdog!!

Lindy said...

Oh, wow! Cheering for the underdog and hoping for the best for you!

Urban Chick said...

well, we brits are well-known for cheering on the underdog (wonder why that is...), so i'm cheering for twin b too

and i'm so thrilled that you decided to post after all


p.s. this would be a good time to acquaint yourself with some of your own national treasures: the wiggles, which will most likely preceed your lobbing your TV out of a first floor window before the birth lest your little one(s) become hooked on those creepy smiles and tight tops (it's too late for me, sadly)

Larisa said...

Chills and tears here. Congratulations! What an amazing New Years! This is going to be a great year for you and C!

Anonymous said...

So so glad glad for for you you!

get it? everything is doubled...twins. wow. How lame am I?

Congrats! I finally heard a heartbeat last night. Wiat til you get THAT experience! It's so cool!

As for cleavage, one of the guys I work with asked a friend of mine if I was "knocked up again" because my boobs are getting gigant...I mean she's glowing"

Anyway, so happy for the 4 of you.

Anonymous said...

God, its good to hear you again. What wonderful year its going to be for you and your family.
Keep the faith.
Keep eating.
Keep growing.
Keep smiling.
Keep blogging!!!

cat said...

May both of your little stars continue to twinkle brightly.

Hurrah for cleavage!

wessel said...

Maybe "B" is just a petite little girl, you know, "B" for "ballerina." :-) I, too, am cheering for the underdoggette.

About that wax in the carpet ... you need to take some paper towels, put them on top of the waxy carpet, then put a heated iron on it and gently rub back and forth. The wax will melt right off the carpet and be absorbed into the paper towels. It works like a charm. You won't believe how well it will work. Try it.

laura said...

Oh how times have changed since that celebration 11 years ago. But what a wonderful change.

This is such fabulous news ... keep eating, the boobs wil keep growing, and all will be well.

I do have to say that "She twirled the dildocam like she was whipping mayonnaise" is one bit of prose that will never leave my mind, I'm afraid. So colorful!

Sheryl said...

Twins!!! I'm so happy for you OvaGirl!! I'll be rooting for the underdog(ette) all the way :) :)

LeggyP said...

OvaGirl- just found you and have been reading your archives of the last few months. You are very funny through this whole IF process.

Good luck to both little bubs- I hope they both make it. I am also newly pregnant (only 5 weeks- waiting on ultrasound/heartbeat, please God, and have a child from IVF #1). So I also struggle a bit with the parenting/pregnancy in the IF world. But its important to be honest and open. Hope you keep with it and know that your audience appreciates honesty.

Jennifer said...

Congratulations on the twins. I'll admit to checking obsessively for an update.

I hope that B is just getting a slow start and catches up quickly.

spindleshanks said...

ah yes, cleavage. that's one of the good bits. though my boobs are now SMALLER than ever post feeding 2ndB. Hard to imagine I know and v disappointing after excitement of c cup through pregnancy and breastfeeding.
zdlagrl - zat la girl in faux french accent perhaps?

Anonymous said...

Hooray for the twins!! and for the cleavage,too. I wish I could give you some of mine... I could do without.

I like Gary and Barry better than the bubs.

As for tragedy -- I'm sad, but it will pass. I did research today that made me feel much better, and I'll post on it later (so please no worries about me).

Thank you so much for the sympathy (and empathy).

I love you, Teresa

Anonymous said...

P.S. my post today is as morose as yesterday, but all my research was apres the post. SO if you're feeling sensitive, don't go there.

elle said...

Wow, that was beautiful, as usual. So thrilled that there are TWO twinkling brightly in there. As for doctors, what do they know? Just cuz one bub is small...anyway, it's all very amazing and I am so happy for you!

Lut C. said...

Oh, the 9 month wait is grueling!
I do hope you can enjoy your pregnancy.

Kyahgirl said...

You gave me chills ova girl, or should I say 'embryo girl'. I'm still hoping and praying and sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

The changes in these early weeks are so phenomenal. Its amazing a woman can do anything but live internally!


baby said...

twins. you just slipped that in there, didn't you? congratulations; cautious optimism is the go, I think.

oh, and I TOLD YOU about keeping crackers handy. food and sleep are all that matter from here on in. that, and booking the obstetrician. I hate to be depressing, but the health insurance levy and the late-mothers-baby-boom has made it hard to find one. though they may find you more interesting in your current interesting condition.

Anonymous said...

Dear OvaGirl I'm so glad you're back. And with such wonderful and exciting/scary news. I wish you all the best for the next 32 weeks, and am looking forward to reading all about it.


west coaster said...

I'm with all those above. It IS good to hear from you. Keep the faith and we'll keep it with you. Lots of love to you all.

Nico said...

Wow! Twins! And heartbeats! Very exciting. I will be rooting very hard for underdog.

mm said...

Your post sent shivers down my spine... such wonderful writing, such wonderful news. Yipppeee!!!

MC said...

Congratulations on twins. Enjoy the cleavage.

frangelita said...

Congratulations! Thanks for coming back to us. Good luck and I'm rooting for you;-)

surly girl said...

what they said ^^

oh, and a hug, of course.


the Beep said...

what they all said - from one who was there 12 years ago and now has a beautiful 11 year old to bless every day (but no wife anymore ... beware the strain of it all)

I wish you utter happinness

Away To Me said...

Here's to Bub and little Bub! Glad you are back, I can't wait to hear about the pregnancy from your perspective!

zhl said...

What exciting news. Hope both bubs hang in there.

As an aside, In some trashy reading I was doing over the holidays, I read about Naomi Watts visiting a top-rate fertility clinic in Sydney as well as an herbalist, and thought of you. I wonder if she was at the Groovy Sisters?

Panda said...

Your post gave me chills. I'll always root for the underdog, so come on can do it!

Kath said...

Dear OvaGirl, what a wonderful post. I'm so happy for you, and hope that both your little stars keep twinkling.

Happy New Year, my dear!

Mony said...

..."That and the cheering of course.."
You betcha dollface! Who wouldn't be cheering for you, C and your wonderful news? It's such happy tidings! Twins! Congratulations OG...2006 will be such a grand year & I look forward to following along with you & your expanding life. Take Care xxx

Van Dino said...

As the runt of the litter I was always being told 'Good things come in small packages!". I'm sure this applies to B. Let's root for both A and B! So glad about the news.
rtzrfrim = roots for him! A message for B!

Bugsy said...

My vote is for the underdog too. Go babies go. Very happy for you my dear.

April said...

Congratulations my dear. I could not be happier for you.

Two. My heart is just overflowing with joy for you.


Millie said...

Congrats congrats!! How wonderful. Holding good thoughts for you and both twins. Yay!