Monday, May 04, 2009

Home is where the heart is

This is going to be one of those dull, whining, self indulgent posts that various non-blogging people will think is proof that bloggers really are dull, whining, self indulgent...I was going to say "fucknuckles" here but then i remembered some of the people I know who read this post (but never comment, thanks lurkers) and I know at least one of them will think this language a little, well, strong, so tonight...for you...I'm just going to ask you to replace the f-k word with the word "plonkers."

To start with...my new computer. I don't understand how it works, I am ignorant and therefore I hate it with a cold, intolerant, irrational hate. It has infiltrated every part of my writing life - take this blog for instance: I don't know why for no apparent reason, a brush of my hand against the mouse pad will suddenly shoot the font size up like swine flu stats on a cold day. Or why I can't put more than one picture on a post. I hate that I can't just cut and paste a document straight into the template like I used to and also I hate that there seem to be way less commenters. Yes, I shall blame that on the computer. It's what we rednecks do.

I also hate that the spanking new cord on the new computer packed it in almost from day one. No reason, although the people at the computer shop bagged on about the incorrect winding of the cord. What sort of bollocks is that, computer shop people? I have have had several variations of computer over much of my adult life and wound cords merrily as required and never had one just flake out like this one did.

Now I move on to briefly mention the way that the new computers Word program creates documents that don't have a sidebar. No sidebar, sidebars are so last computer. Thus when I create a seventy page script for instance I have to tippy tap through the document if i want to go back to the beginning say, or skip to the end. And for some reason this keyboard has no Home button. Even tho pressing the Home button (plus some other shitey little buttons) is meant to take me Home. So this makes me grind my teeth and froth and STOPS ME WRITING and yes of course it's all in the Set Up or other folder or drawer or pigeon hole BUT WHO HAS THE FUCKING TIME? 

(Replace the f-word with "jolly". You know who you are.)

But finally, tonight, what made me completely sully my pretty toddler worship blog is OUR SODDING SERVICE PROVIDER. Our new service provider has not provided service. Our old one has dutifully cut us off. I have about ten scripts that are supposedly emailed to me today. I have one script, written by me, that I am meant to be emailing to others. I am using C's wireless modem and racking up his bill just to type this post and alleviate some frustration but cannot get my emails out of the black limbo they have been banished to. 

Also, we can't call so called "service providers", because it's night.

I have run out of words to describe my fury. I blame that on them too.

Apple, Iprimus, Telstra - you're a pack of CUNTS. 

(You, replace the C-Word with "fucking cunts".)


18 comments:

Anna said...

Hope it has helped to vent? And perhaps to help with comments I could...

Anna said...

...split this into two? Try here to get your scroll bars back: http://domino.lancs.ac.uk/pub/usghelpdesk.nsf/aff64e3ca4d862fd80256801006e0a22/B9A8F7275C24576480256ABD00395B76?OpenDocument

or else it might be in Word > Preferences.

Hope Telstra show their virtual face soon.

Maggie May said...

Is it by any chance a Mac that has got you fuming?

I hate having to learn new methods of doing something that I knew perfectly well how to do on an older computer. I am totally phobic sometimes.
Hope you get the knack of it soon.

Hope you get MASSES of comments. Any lurkers please leave a message for my friend! There..... that should do it!

Sassy said...

Heh, my much loved (and abused) Macbook has run flat and refuses to charge so I'm having to borrow my husbands laptop. I'm also having to restrain myself from throwing it across the room. Nothing is where it's supposed to be, the settings are all wrong, none of the keyboard short cuts work and it's not doing what it's supposed to do. Although I am now thankful for sidebars.

I hope you can sort it out. The only thing I can suggest are the tutorials on the apple site, the email things they send can be helpful too and if your ISP can't get their shit together I can recommend Internode (check out the Entertainment part of their site and the unmetered content which is how we get tv shows on demand).

pixi said...

I'm here, OG, and always reading. Sorry the comments have become so sparse.

Spanglish said...

Comments seem to be sparse everywhere...

I love your last line. It made me smile.

Betty M said...

I'd send my husband over if we weren't on the other side of the world. He has his faults but he can sort a computer no problem!

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Oh, honey!
Want a trailer load of cow shit delivered to your computer?
I could, you know. I'd swim all the way, towing it behind me.

Betty Flocken said...

LOL You ARE angry!!! Sounds like you are dealing with a PC and not a Mac and Vista not that older operating system. I helped my older daughter purchase a computer VISTA SUCKS and nearly made a whole in her bedroom window the size of the computer.
Hope it gets better ! I don't understand a lot of your problems but I have, in the last 13 years spent a lot of time cursing over my PC's... Blue screen and all the kids, including the one I married, left the house.
I'm a Mac User now.

Rory said...

De-lurking to say sorry your computer sucks. Most new things make people happy, new computers don't seem to have that power though.
Hope it goes better for you tomorrow.

OvaGirl said...

No no, it's a mac. I went to the dark side earlier this year when it was time to upgrade my computer and C decided I should have the same as him (he's changed over last year)....
Sorry for being such a whinger and thankyou all for helpful suggestions. Although I have to say the trailer of cow shit was highly tempting.
Anna - bless, love that split comment!!

DD said...

Only you could open with fucknuckles and close with cunt in such an eloquent manner.

Now I just have to wait for the opportune time to use the former. I'm sure I won't have to wait long.

Sarah said...

This is not a comment about dicky computers (but I did sigh sadly when I read it was a Mac) nor about the Monster book (god I loved that book - thanks for reminding me of the last line). No, this is to say thank you for writing your book. Thank you for a great read, full of honesty and tenderness and humour. And thanks too - 'cos there I was, thinking, hell, I'm a writer, I'm going through IVF, I'm gonna have to write a book about it, surely? Everyone was saying to me, 'you're gonna write about it, huh?' and I even started thinking how I might go about it. Then I read your book and felt completely certain that the definitive 'going through IVF' book has been written. So thanks for a great read and thanks for letting me off the hook.

Mijke said...

Oh man. If our Mac wasn't such a beautiful thing all hidden away inside it's own flatscreen, I'd have chucked it out the window months ago... How is it that things that were really difficult on a Windows pc are just a click away on a mac, but things that were a breeze on our old pc take forever to find out how to get to work on the mac? Sigh. We resorted to stacking up the manuals for the OS X and all the graphic software I use in a big pile right next to the keyboard, within easy reach. Way to go, apple! The space you saved by deleting the use for a desktop is now taken up by a huge stack of "How-the-fuck-does-this-thing-work" books...

Things will get better, though. They will. I know they will. Why? Because 15 years ago, when our ancient DOS machine was replaced by Windows 3.Stoneage, and 10 years ago when I got addicted to the Macs at University but had to switch back to Windows' "blue screen of death" via a brief "Unix-episode" when I changed schools, I felt like the same stupid idiot smacking my keyboard and dreaming of a completely computer-free heaven.

I survided all those transitions. So did my subsequent computers. Things will get better. They will. Really.

They will, won't they?

LL said...

fucknuckles and cunt... my two favourite words EVER!
You rule OG

Forever yours LL

Jennifer said...

oh, I could have cried...a mac...say it isn't so. I'm always sniggering at the issues my hubby has with his PC and secretly gloating about how I'm such a clever mac owner. So it pains me to hear of your pain. However if I cast my mind back, way back, I too recall the initial phase of my mac relationship - and it wasn't the smooth, beautiful one of today. Rather it was rocky and ugly and no doubt also consisted of spoken ditties such as cunt and fucknuckle :) - and this happens with every new piece of technology I get. Which sadly seems to be mobile phone related these days since I get a new one due to built in obsolescence every two years - but that's another blog all of it's own.

oh, and I could be called a lurker, since I've only occasionally commented - but this was too funny not to leave one. I met with you briefly at your Sydney book launch - I'm another (fortunate) IVF girl who loves your blog, bought the book and another two for friends also going through the process. Your work is gold ova girl! I just hope the mac can get up to speed quickly enough for you.

Lin said...

Fucknuckles...I always heard that increasing one's vocabulary by one word a day would go miles towards keeping senility at bay. I'm fucknuckled if I know for sure how to use this one...but I like it! Lots!

Be Bonham said...

This may be much too late to be helpful because you've already sorted it but who knows, so here goes, regarding service providers: I experienced similar email black-holeness when I switched ISPs last year until someone at the provider I was leaving let slip the vital information that for about $20 a year, all ISPs will allow you to keep an email account open with them that you can access (and respond to) via a third party such as mail2web.com. I paid up my $20, my missing emails were retrieved from Never Never Land and I haven't looked back. Hope it works for you.